Ultimate springtime golf fitness tips for "real" golfers

By Tim McDonald,
National Golf Editor

For those of you unfortunate enough to live in the North, you must be salivating at the thought of the spring golf season.

Hold on, Tiger. You ain't the man you used to be. You can't just jump up and go straight to the golf course after a long winter of sloth and mold.

Now, you will find any number of charlatans willing to sell you their total golf fitness regimens. These sleazoids always assume you're a golfer interested in a cleaner, healthier way of living and golfing. I've seen you out on the course, and I know that's not the sort of thing you're "into."

So here is my total golf fitness regimen for the "real" golfer:

• For God's sake, you have to strengthen your core! This involves eating really hard food, like jawbreakers. Eat a bag of those and have your neighbor punch you in the gut to see if your core is all it can be.

Options: Month-old fudge, Purina Dog Chow, pine bark.

• You also have to really work your obliques, I mean really work the hell out of them. Here's the perfect exercise for that. Lie flat on your back with knees bent slightly wider than your hips. If you have really fat hips, you're either going to have to really stretch your knees like in a cartoon, like The Elastic Man from India, or just skip this exercise. In fact, if you have really fat hips, just skip playing golf, nobody wants to see you out on the course.

Now, you slim-hipped people reach your hands to the ceiling like you're crying out for the Lord Jesus Christ to spare you from your miserable existence. You can hold light hand-weights, or not. What do I care? Lift your head and chest toward the ceiling and rotate to reach both hands just outside of your fat, right knee. Repeat on the left side. Now, take a breather. Ask Christ for forgiveness.

• Breathing exercises: Breathing properly and deeply is critical, especially for those tense moments on the course when normally you would start crying.
This deep-breathing exercise involves attending your local adult movie house, or calling up one of those sites on your Internet browser. Follow your instincts. It's either that or follow mine, and then you're looking at jail time.
• Horizontal abduction/adduction: I can't give you much help here, because I always get "horizontal" confused with "vertical," and I have no idea what adduction is. Who came up with that word, anyway? It's a stupid word and should be eliminated from the English language, if it's even English.

• Standing hip rotation: Don't do this. It makes you look like a girl.

• Alcohol fitness: How many times have you lost $2 Nassaus because while you were getting hamboned, your playing partners were just holding up that bottle of Jack Black pretending to drink?

Well, no need to waste good liquor. You can still drink and maintain your competitive edge. You just need to build up a tolerance. Stand upright in a dark closet, with a wide stance, and suck it down. Keep drinking until your wife leaves you.

• Aerobics: Ha! Don't make me laugh. This is golf!

• Putting: Don't bother to practice putting. Putting in golf is overrated. I play golf maybe 200 times a year and I've yet to meet anyone who can putt. You either make it or you don't. If you miss, just keep putting until the ball goes in the hole. Simple.

• Seniors: As we age, our bodies react differently, so seniors must prepare for golf differently than young punks. An important thing to remember is that there is an inverse relationship of increased ear hair to laughably short drives off the tee.

So keep those ear hairs trim and neat. If you're proud of your thick mane of ear hair, don't sweat it. If you're short off the tee, you're probably small in other areas, and I think you know what I'm talking about.

• Excuses: A healthy psychological outlook is a must for Better Golf. If you can convince yourself that the snap hook you hit into the weeds over there is not your doing at all, you'll retain the confidence needed to excel in the game.

The first time you smack one of your all-too-typical lousy shots, turn to your playing partner and snarl," "Will you stop that!" Look at him, looking all hurt and everything. Who would have thought golf fitness could be so much fun?

• Torque development in the downswing: This is so important, I can barely contain myself. This is vital to any golfer who has ever wanted to improve his score. You could even say it is absolutely critical in terms of reaching your full potential as a golfer and knowing what it is to be truly human.

• Alignment and posture: Face the target squarely and stand erect, with your rump jutting out slightly. Feels a little silly, doesn't it? Can you think of another situation in life where you would position yourself in such an odd manner? I can't.

Cox & Greer 2-Man Champs at Smoky Mtn C.C.

Jonathan Cox & Ryan Greer kept their winning streak as a two-man team going and put an end to another streak in the Smoky Mountain 2-Man Scramble. Their smooth 10-under (62) back-to-back rounds was good enough to hold off Todd Ricker & Sasha Catron who were three-for-three at Smoky Mountain when combining the Mountain/Berry and Scramble wins. At the beginning of the round on Sunday, after fighting a day of occasional drizzles on Saturday, Greer & Cox were tied with Bodie Bible & John Bernard of Greeneville. While Bible & Bernard slipped to a 64 on Sunday, Ricker & Catron improved by one shot for the second place finish.

Cox & Greer will be focusing their attention on the River Islands 2-Man Scramble next weekend where they are the defending champions.

Freshman Walter State golfer Caleb Whaley joined forces with the "Boss of Moss" at Smoky Mountain, Mr. Jim Fred Ramsey to win the First Flight by two shots over former Knox Country 2-Man Champions Glenn Makin & Wayne Zenner as well as Smoky Mountain locales Joey Bradshaw & Mike Hill. Ramsey & Whaley birdied the last three holes to come from one down while Makin & Zenner slowed to a par pace the last five holes. Bradshaw & Hill eagled the par-5 13th and birdied two of the last five to finish tied for second.

In the Second Flight locales Jerry Messer & Mike Shelton found the flat side of the putter on Sunday to improve by eight shots for a three shot win over Dwayne Yarbrough & Todd Douglass. Smoky Mountain owner Cecil Gilland and Kenny Brown landed in a tie for third after improving one shot over Saturday. Chuck Mason & Barry Clevenger improved by seven shots to pull even with Gilland & Brown.

The Third Flight featured a shoot-out between three teams pushing each other to the limit as Jason Williams & Bob Kesterson, one-up going into the round, shot a seven better 66 on Sunday to stay one-up on Jeff Webb & Mike Jones and Fudd & Whitney Ball who also posted 66 rounds.

The Burchetts, David & Brad finished tied for first with a one-under 71 on Sunday to save-off the fast charging team of Randall Copas & Tommy Haynes. Terry & Jake Quinton fell short by one shot to land in third place.

Competitors looking for a fair game, need look no further than the Smoky Mountain tournaments. Owner, Cecil Gilland divided the field into five flights and paid well above average to the prize winners for a 60% of the field payout. Golf News Superintendent of the Year, Shannon Shelton was also on top of his game as the greens were healed from aeration and running smooth.

The next Smoky Mountain event is May 17-18, the 2-Man Scottish Lowball. Call the pro shop for details and registration.

Results:
Championship
1st- Ryan Greer & Jonathan Cox 62-62--124
2nd- Todd Ricker & Sasha Catron 63-62--125
3rd- Bodie Bible & John Bernard 62-64--126
4th- Shannon Moore & Randall Irwin 64-63--127
First Flight
1st- Caleb Whaley & Jim Fred Ramsey 67-64--131
2nd- Glenn Makin & Wayne Zenner 67-66--133
2nd- Joey Bradshaw & Mike Hill 68-65--133
Second Flight
1st- Jerry Messer & Mike Shelton 70-62--132
2nd- Dwayne Yarbrough & Todd Douglass 69-66--135
3rd- Cecil Gilland & Kenny Brown 69-68--137
3rd- Chuck Mason & Barry Clevenger 72-65--137
Third Flight
1st- Jason Williams & Bob Kesterson 73-66--139
2nd- Jeff Webb & Mike Jones 74-66--140
2nd- Fudd & Whitney Ball 74-66--140
Fourth Flight
1st- David & Brad Burchette 76-71--147
1st- Randall Copas & Tommy Haynes 78-69--147
3rd- Terry & Jake Quinton 76-72--148

Cox & Greer 2-Man Champs at Smoky Mtn C.C.

Jonathan Cox & Ryan Greer kept their winning streak as a two-man team going and put an end to another streak in the Smoky Mountain 2-Man Scramble. Their smooth 10-under (62) back-to-back rounds was good enough to hold off Todd Ricker & Sasha Catron who were three-for-three at Smoky Mountain when combining the Mountain/Berry and Scramble wins. At the beginning of the round on Sunday, after fighting a day of occasional drizzles on Saturday, Greer & Cox were tied with Bodie Bible & John Bernard of Greeneville. While Bible & Bernard slipped to a 64 on Sunday, Ricker & Catron improved by one shot for the second place finish.

Cox & Greer will be focusing their attention on the River Islands 2-Man Scramble next weekend where they are the defending champions.

Freshman Walter State golfer Caleb Whaley joined forces with the "Boss of Moss" at Smoky Mountain, Mr. Jim Fred Ramsey to win the First Flight by two shots over former Knox Country 2-Man Champions Glenn Makin & Wayne Zenner as well as Smoky Mountain locales Joey Bradshaw & Mike Hill. Ramsey & Whaley birdied the last three holes to come from one down while Makin & Zenner slowed to a par pace the last five holes. Bradshaw & Hill eagled the par-5 13th and birdied two of the last five to finish tied for second.

In the Second Flight locales Jerry Messer & Mike Shelton found the flat side of the putter on Sunday to improve by eight shots for a three shot win over Dwayne Yarbrough & Todd Douglass. Smoky Mountain owner Cecil Gilland and Kenny Brown landed in a tie for third after improving one shot over Saturday. Chuck Mason & Barry Clevenger improved by seven shots to pull even with Gilland & Brown.

The Third Flight featured a shoot-out between three teams pushing each other to the limit as Jason Williams & Bob Kesterson, one-up going into the round, shot a seven better 66 on Sunday to stay one-up on Jeff Webb & Mike Jones and Fudd & Whitney Ball who also posted 66 rounds.

The Burchetts, David & Brad finished tied for first with a one-under 71 on Sunday to save-off the fast charging team of Randall Copas & Tommy Haynes. Terry & Jake Quinton fell short by one shot to land in third place.

Competitors looking for a fair game, need look no further than the Smoky Mountain tournaments. Owner, Cecil Gilland divided the field into five flights and paid well above average to the prize winners for a 60% of the field payout. Golf News Superintendent of the Year, Shannon Shelton was also on top of his game as the greens were healed from aeration and running smooth.

The next Smoky Mountain event is May 17-18, the 2-Man Scottish Lowball. Call the pro shop for details and registration.

Results:
Championship
1st- Ryan Greer & Jonathan Cox 62-62--124
2nd- Todd Ricker & Sasha Catron 63-62--125
3rd- Bodie Bible & John Bernard 62-64--126
4th- Shannon Moore & Randall Irwin 64-63--127
First Flight
1st- Caleb Whaley & Jim Fred Ramsey 67-64--131
2nd- Glenn Makin & Wayne Zenner 67-66--133
2nd- Joey Bradshaw & Mike Hill 68-65--133
Second Flight
1st- Jerry Messer & Mike Shelton 70-62--132
2nd- Dwayne Yarbrough & Todd Douglass 69-66--135
3rd- Cecil Gilland & Kenny Brown 69-68--137
3rd- Chuck Mason & Barry Clevenger 72-65--137
Third Flight
1st- Jason Williams & Bob Kesterson 73-66--139
2nd- Jeff Webb & Mike Jones 74-66--140
2nd- Fudd & Whitney Ball 74-66--140
Fourth Flight
1st- David & Brad Burchette 76-71--147
1st- Randall Copas & Tommy Haynes 78-69--147
3rd- Terry & Jake Quinton 76-72--148

VU's Curran is SEC Men's Golfer of the Week

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. -- Vanderbilt junior Jon Curran has been named the SEC Male Golfer of the Week, conference officials announced on Monday.

The Hopkinton, Mass. native, finished as a runner-up in the Furman Intercollegiate, held March 28-30 at the Furman University Golf Course in Greenville, S.C.

Curran fired a tournament scorecard of 71-72-71 for a total of 214, one shot behind tournament winner Jonathan Hodge of Chattanooga. He finished in the top two in his third consecutive tournament after winning the Seminole Intercollegiate and placing in a tie for second at the Kauai Collegiate Cup.

Curran leads Vandy with a 72.54 scoring average over 24 rounds and has shot par-or-better in eight of his last nine rounds. He is also ranked 50th in the nation by Golfweek.

The honor marks the fifth weekly award of the 2008 SEC spring season. The next SEC Male Golfer of the Week will be selected on April 15 while the next SEC Female Golfer of the Week will be named on April 2.